Dwellers In The Discomfort Zone

As an artist-cum-therapist, the point where the two hemispheres of my brain switched from left to right remains unknown to me. It was a transition that occurred unexpectedly. I even wonder if there ever was a switch at all. However, I can probably tell you the story of my life and how, today, I am quite satisfied with how my life turned out. Outsiders would probably wonder what's so special about my life. Honestly, I can't really put into words what I feel right now. It's a visual artist's handicap, if you will. What I can say is that the series of successes I can talk about would be coming out of the many failures I have had. I may not have invented the light bulb after 10,000 attempts, but I've seen a bulb light up after many psychological and emotional blackouts.

There are those who dwell in unpleasant experiences probably because the uncertainty of what's outside the box is more terrifying. What these dwellers do not realize is that they are also admitting to themselves that things could be worse! This realization helped me understand why having an artist's thought process is so effective in the helping professions. Therapists, like artists, find creative ways of communicating simply because we think unconventionally when an otherwise hopeless situation arises. It's our job to recreate, reframe, and reform. Perhaps, this is the proverbial angst that we artists- and some therapists- are reputed to have. Personally, I believe it's this angst, discomfort, crisis- call it what you will- that has provided the fuel for change in my life. Positive change.

There is nothing special about me. People seem to think that being creative or resilient is something a chosen few are born with. Personally, I believe it's a matter of admitting when the comfort zone is beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. When anxiety and anger begin to take over, take that as a signal that it's time for change. Resist the urge to get caught in a feedback loop of negativity. Talk to people who enlighten rather than enable. There's a fine, fragile line between validation and enabling. Give a defined time limit to catharsis then give yourself a chance to take in new information. It's like breathing. Breathing keeps us alive and being alive means that there is always a chance to change.

I Pray

I pray.

I pray because there is a power higher than me.

Whether or not God exists is not important to me.

I believe that there is a Spirit that lingers around us,

God-given or not.

I pray because I feel the presence that holds me

And it helps me live purposefully.

It doesn’t matter whether you are with the one you love,

Or loving the one you’re with.

It’s the One that loves you that matters

When you pray.

Two Chairs For Yourself

Do you have a place inside you

Where you can sit face to face with yourself?

What would you say?

What would she say back to you?

Can you sit with her in silence

And be comfortable

Satisfied

Peaceful?

Can you look at each other face to face

In the eye

And know each other without speaking? 

The Decision Prayer

Oh God, grant me the grace of fortitude and integrity

To remain steadfast in my decision

And to accept all the consequences that may come with it.

Please grant me the strength to endure the cross

That I have chosen to bear.

I offer You this sacrifice

As penance for my sins.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us poor sinners.

Thank you, Lord, for this gift of sacrifice.

On Emulsification and Transition

Last January 2011, I posted a note on Facebook about Oil and Vinegar and the Art of Marriage. It seemed to me that a miracle had happened and that all those years as a married woman I had to come to a comfortable point in my life. Today is December 29, 2011- barely a year after that "enlightened" post. I am sitting more confused and disappointed than ever and with my head still spinning from what had happened in June that hit me head on and caused my life to turn turtle. Many might say that it was a hypocritical view of something I would end less than a year later. Reading the post again, however, I realize that the epiphanic moment did not close my doors but rather open ones I never thought I had. Again, I hope to shed some light on the art of relationships.

The key is to making a good emulsification is combining two quality ingredients that stand well on their own together. The combination of those two ingredients is excellent but, eventually, they need to separate again and go back to their old properties. A lot like human beings. Some of us are just better off being the way we are. Some of us eccentric ones need to be undiluted by the norms of society. That's one thing they don't tell us when we decide to tie the knot. Justifying separation? I'm not answering a hesitant "maybe" but a resounding "yes".

Confusion Philosophy

When you’re 40, confusion is called “coming to a crossroads” in your life. Therapists might even give you a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. There’s no excuse for not knowing what to do at this point especially after years of trying to decide what your calling is. In my case, I spent the last three years thinking that I had finally found my calling as a counseling psychologist. It seemed to have taken me a lifetime to realize it and I spent too much time regretting not seeing it from the very beginning. It took all of those three years to make a shift in my way of thinking and to stop blaming others for my own mishaps. I was sucked in by existential philosophy and decided that I would live being true to myself and to my purpose. So I graduated with an MS in Counseling and had a long range plan for myself and I was finally on my way to achieving what I had come to the United States for in the first place. I was still at the right developmental stage- so my textbooks had said. I was specializing and becoming an expert at what I had set out to do. Or so I thought. I wasn’t expecting a random, impulsive moment to create a window of opportunity for something I had yet to do for myself. It was my chance to go back home but that would mean risking everything I had worked so hard for. I did it anyway.

Today, I’m back where I said I would never be. It's been over three years since my last blog entry and I feel like I am reliving that rock-bottom moment. I made the decision to change my life to get out of a toxic situation. Now I feel like karma has beat my thoughts and the joke's on me.

Staying where I was meant living with what I don’t really care to describe given the disturbing images it might leave in a person’s memory. (That would be the subject of a different blog.) Coming home, would mean going back to square one and giving up a certain amount of freedom.There's no telling what will be better for me and my children. However, at the semi-ripe age of 42, I should really know better. That every decision I make is neither right nor wrong but comes with heavy baggage of its own. The key is to make one, be prepared for the consequences, and make the most of it.

Untitled Quote Number 1

Too much of a self-centered attitude creates mistrust and suspicion in others, which can in turn lead to fear. But if you have more of an open mind, and you cultivate a sense of concern for others' well-being, then, no matter what others' attitudes are, you can keep your inner peace.