The Decision Prayer

Oh God, grant me the grace of fortitude and integrity

To remain steadfast in my decision

And to accept all the consequences that may come with it.

Please grant me the strength to endure the cross

That I have chosen to bear.

I offer You this sacrifice

As penance for my sins.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us poor sinners.

Thank you, Lord, for this gift of sacrifice.

On Emulsification and Transition

Last January 2011, I posted a note on Facebook about Oil and Vinegar and the Art of Marriage. It seemed to me that a miracle had happened and that all those years as a married woman I had to come to a comfortable point in my life. Today is December 29, 2011- barely a year after that "enlightened" post. I am sitting more confused and disappointed than ever and with my head still spinning from what had happened in June that hit me head on and caused my life to turn turtle. Many might say that it was a hypocritical view of something I would end less than a year later. Reading the post again, however, I realize that the epiphanic moment did not close my doors but rather open ones I never thought I had. Again, I hope to shed some light on the art of relationships.

The key is to making a good emulsification is combining two quality ingredients that stand well on their own together. The combination of those two ingredients is excellent but, eventually, they need to separate again and go back to their old properties. A lot like human beings. Some of us are just better off being the way we are. Some of us eccentric ones need to be undiluted by the norms of society. That's one thing they don't tell us when we decide to tie the knot. Justifying separation? I'm not answering a hesitant "maybe" but a resounding "yes".

Confusion Philosophy

When you’re 40, confusion is called “coming to a crossroads” in your life. Therapists might even give you a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. There’s no excuse for not knowing what to do at this point especially after years of trying to decide what your calling is. In my case, I spent the last three years thinking that I had finally found my calling as a counseling psychologist. It seemed to have taken me a lifetime to realize it and I spent too much time regretting not seeing it from the very beginning. It took all of those three years to make a shift in my way of thinking and to stop blaming others for my own mishaps. I was sucked in by existential philosophy and decided that I would live being true to myself and to my purpose. So I graduated with an MS in Counseling and had a long range plan for myself and I was finally on my way to achieving what I had come to the United States for in the first place. I was still at the right developmental stage- so my textbooks had said. I was specializing and becoming an expert at what I had set out to do. Or so I thought. I wasn’t expecting a random, impulsive moment to create a window of opportunity for something I had yet to do for myself. It was my chance to go back home but that would mean risking everything I had worked so hard for. I did it anyway.

Today, I’m back where I said I would never be. It's been over three years since my last blog entry and I feel like I am reliving that rock-bottom moment. I made the decision to change my life to get out of a toxic situation. Now I feel like karma has beat my thoughts and the joke's on me.

Staying where I was meant living with what I don’t really care to describe given the disturbing images it might leave in a person’s memory. (That would be the subject of a different blog.) Coming home, would mean going back to square one and giving up a certain amount of freedom.There's no telling what will be better for me and my children. However, at the semi-ripe age of 42, I should really know better. That every decision I make is neither right nor wrong but comes with heavy baggage of its own. The key is to make one, be prepared for the consequences, and make the most of it.