The Decision Prayer

Oh God, grant me the grace of fortitude and integrity

To remain steadfast in my decision

And to accept all the consequences that may come with it.

Please grant me the strength to endure the cross

That I have chosen to bear.

I offer You this sacrifice

As penance for my sins.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us poor sinners.

Thank you, Lord, for this gift of sacrifice.

On Emulsification and Transition

Last January 2011, I posted a note on Facebook about Oil and Vinegar and the Art of Marriage. It seemed to me that a miracle had happened and that all those years as a married woman I had to come to a comfortable point in my life. Today is December 29, 2011- barely a year after that "enlightened" post. I am sitting more confused and disappointed than ever and with my head still spinning from what had happened in June that hit me head on and caused my life to turn turtle. Many might say that it was a hypocritical view of something I would end less than a year later. Reading the post again, however, I realize that the epiphanic moment did not close my doors but rather open ones I never thought I had. Again, I hope to shed some light on the art of relationships.

The key is to making a good emulsification is combining two quality ingredients that stand well on their own together. The combination of those two ingredients is excellent but, eventually, they need to separate again and go back to their old properties. A lot like human beings. Some of us are just better off being the way we are. Some of us eccentric ones need to be undiluted by the norms of society. That's one thing they don't tell us when we decide to tie the knot. Justifying separation? I'm not answering a hesitant "maybe" but a resounding "yes".

Confusion Philosophy

When you’re 40, confusion is called “coming to a crossroads” in your life. Therapists might even give you a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. There’s no excuse for not knowing what to do at this point especially after years of trying to decide what your calling is. In my case, I spent the last three years thinking that I had finally found my calling as a counseling psychologist. It seemed to have taken me a lifetime to realize it and I spent too much time regretting not seeing it from the very beginning. It took all of those three years to make a shift in my way of thinking and to stop blaming others for my own mishaps. I was sucked in by existential philosophy and decided that I would live being true to myself and to my purpose. So I graduated with an MS in Counseling and had a long range plan for myself and I was finally on my way to achieving what I had come to the United States for in the first place. I was still at the right developmental stage- so my textbooks had said. I was specializing and becoming an expert at what I had set out to do. Or so I thought. I wasn’t expecting a random, impulsive moment to create a window of opportunity for something I had yet to do for myself. It was my chance to go back home but that would mean risking everything I had worked so hard for. I did it anyway.

Today, I’m back where I said I would never be. It's been over three years since my last blog entry and I feel like I am reliving that rock-bottom moment. I made the decision to change my life to get out of a toxic situation. Now I feel like karma has beat my thoughts and the joke's on me.

Staying where I was meant living with what I don’t really care to describe given the disturbing images it might leave in a person’s memory. (That would be the subject of a different blog.) Coming home, would mean going back to square one and giving up a certain amount of freedom.There's no telling what will be better for me and my children. However, at the semi-ripe age of 42, I should really know better. That every decision I make is neither right nor wrong but comes with heavy baggage of its own. The key is to make one, be prepared for the consequences, and make the most of it.

Untitled Quote Number 1

Too much of a self-centered attitude creates mistrust and suspicion in others, which can in turn lead to fear. But if you have more of an open mind, and you cultivate a sense of concern for others' well-being, then, no matter what others' attitudes are, you can keep your inner peace.

THE SECRET IN MY CATHOLIC MIND

I am a writer, an artist, a poet, a thinker, philosopher. I am a mother, daughter, wife, sister, among many other things. Therefore, I am wealthy. That is my interpretation of having it all. In the midst of what could be the most difficult time in my life emotionally and financially, I have found happiness. Have I then discovered The Secret? I am feeling that I do have it all NOW. Have I already attracted wealth? Will I finally win the lottery? Find my dream job? My dream home? 

The first time I picked up The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, I had just heard about it from a friend over tea and a tuna pandesal. She mentioned that she immediately felt the results as soon as she started practicing the affirmations taught in the book. I thought I'd give it a try. Having been diagnosed with dysthymia, I was always searching for ways to nurture positive thinking in myself. So I bought the book and started reading it. Maybe I was just too satisfied with being in Manila at that time that I put off reading it for later. (The Philippines is the happiest place on earth for me.)

The past few months, my mental state had been on a roller coaster-paced nose-dive and I finally hit rock bottom. I couldn't even find the satisfaction in prayer. I couldn't concentrate on the psalms I read everyday. I was supposed to be healed by prayer alone and I felt guilty that it didn't. However, I always knew God as a good listener. The Person that can understand anything and everything. So I literally got on my knees and begged. My palms facing up, my knees dug into the hardwood floor, and my head pressed into my forearms. I cried like a lunatic! The only thoughts that went through my head were losing everything from debt, my anger, my regrets, and wishing that I had the Superman power to fly at lightning speed around the world to turn back time. But I also prayed. Only God could help me now. 

I don't remember what came over me afterwards but the next thing I remember is pulling out my basket of dusty books from under my bed and picking up The Secret once again. I was skeptical. I had just prayed to God a minute ago and now I was searching for answers in what I thought was a pagan way. I thought lightning would strike me dead and send me straight to hell. But with quivering hands, I opened the book. It was marked with a raffle ticket I purchased from an Antipolonian while visiting the Antipolo Cathedral last year. I had only finished the first chapter and I particularly remember believing what was written half-heartedly. 

What was shallow then was my saving grace now. I continued to read the book. That same weekend, I had enrolled in the Art of Living retreat. (I will elaborate on that, too, later.) As I read each chapter and passage, my mind kept going back to the Bible and the teachings of Jesus. In summary, The Secret tells us that all we really need to do is to think of your goals, believe that you're already there, and be thankful for already having it. The first chapter begins with visualizing the material and to put our thoughts into what we want constantly. The theory is that the mind's energies have a direct impact on the universe's movement. If we think hard enough about something, we attract it. That includes everything we think of. Thinking bad thoughts about others will also only attract those thoughts to ourselves. That is the Law of Attraction- at least the way I understand it. So it starts with the basic concept of just simply knowing what we want and focusing on that.

As the book unfolds, the same thing goes over and over in my mind. It all boils down to finding what you seek, being thankful, and having faith that things will happen. Contemplating on these three concepts, I realized that it has been taught for years to us by our parents, teachers, priests, and, to a certain extent, society itself. Somewhere in the book- you'll find it when you read it- there is a discourse about competition. It tells us how pointless competition is because the world has more than enough resources for everyone! Its a given that God created a perfect world. The air we breathe, the water we drink, the fact that I am writing my thoughts and you are reading them in a blog- these are all God-given resources! So when we tell ourselves that we are thankful for already having it all, it isn't a lie. We have it all. We just need to see it. 

I have my wants and I now know that I can think them into existence. I don't however believe that it will magically appear in front of me. I believe that the only gift we really need to achieve all this is God's grace. You may call it Peace of Mind, transcendence, or a miracle. In my personal, Catholic mind, it is God's sheer grace. Our constant picturing of the Love of God in our minds will inevitably lead us to see results. We are just searching for something that is already there. Believing that it is there will keep us going and make our efforts meaningful. All we need to do is ask, believe, and be thankful for the fact that it's really there. My daughter asked me this morning if she could borrow my shampoo. When I said yes, she thanked me before she even went to my bathroom  to take it.  That's just the way it should be. Don't be afraid to ask God or the Universe for what you want. There's no shame in that. Good will come in many forms and you will realize that it was no secret after all.